Picture Me Leaving and Not Coming Back
by Cate's Creative Chaos
Summary: Sarah struggles to cope with everyday life after all is said and done. When it all becomes to much for Sarah, her mental health is effected significantly. Sarah must learn to fight for herself, and her family must work together to support her. (Trigger Warning for suicide attempt, and mental illness)
1. Chapter 1: Prolougue

**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE AND PTSD**

 **(Disclaimer: I don't own or have any affiliation with Orphan Black)**

 _Prolougue_

 _Diary Entry #1_

The nightmares were the worst part. They're always different, sometimes I see Rachel coming at me with a knife, or sometimes it's Coady, jabbing at Kira with a needle, and she's screaming and I'm screaming but I can't get to her and I'm telling her to run, but she's not moving. I wake up in my own bed, in my own house, and even though I know that I should feel safe and comfortable here, I don't, and I feel like I'm doing something wrong for not wanting to stay. The nights where my screams wake Kira are some of the worst. What sort of example am I setting for my kid? I tell her not to carry what we've been through with her through her life, but yet she has to watch her mother carry demons on her back every day.

The past week or so, the dreams have been different. They're like certain scenes playing over and over, as if from a movie, except they are not from a movie, not any movie I'd want to watch anyway. They're from my childhood. Real things. I cry when I'm alone, I can't help it. I feel like I've turned soft. I'm Sarah Manning, I haven't been soft since I was 6 years old, but I have no control over it now. I cry and I panic and I just can't get a grip. So long ago I thought I had shaken off those demons from when I was a kid, but now it feels like the world has run out of people to pit against me, so now I've been pit against my own mind, my own memories. I'm scared and I'm lonely. I don't know how to be happy. I can't be happy… I, I'm starting to think, maybe this is it for me. I've done what I was mean't to do now, and I was never mean't to stick around. I bet that is what Beth thought too. I stare at my face in the bathroom mirror, or is it even my face? It's hard to tell sometimes.

"I've done all I could, Beth. I'm coming to you now." I whisper out loud to my reflection.


	2. Chapter 2: I Find War and I Find Peace

"Where is she? It's been a half an hour. She's left us stranded at an airport at 10 O'clock at night for half an hour." Cosima stresses to her girlfriend. Delphine sighs "Maybe you should just try calling her again?" The French woman suggests. "I've called her four times, I bet she turned the ringer off on her phone again, she does that all the time lately. I just can't believe she forgot us here." Cosima huffs. "Okay, how about just get a taxi home, we can pick up the car tomorrow. It's getting late." says Delphine. "No, no. Let's get a cab to Sarah's, we can pick up the car now. I should probably check in and make sure everything is okay, and if everything is okay, I'll need to let her know I'm mad by not making direct eye contact and speaking in short sentences." Cosima says. Delphine chuckled. "That sounds exhausting my love, for your sake I hope Sarah has got a good reason." Delphine said with a sweet smile. It was then, for a reason Cosima didn't know at the time, the clone woman felt washed over with an uneasy feeling. Cosima pulled out her phone and dialed the Cab company.

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"Thank you so much." Delphine bid, handing a bundle of cash to the taxi driver. The couple exited the yellow vehicle, snatching their luggage from the trunk before closing it and allowing the driver to leave. The pair now stood on the sidewalk in front of Mrs. S's home, which, Cosima had to remind herself, now belonged to only Sarah and Kira.

"Her car is in the driveway, so she's gotta be home. Can you start packing the car, babe? I'll go in and grab the keys, and ask Sarah why she left us stranded." says Cosima. "Sure, don't be too harsh, cherie." Delphine joked, and picked up her own bag.

Once at the entrance to the old house, Cosima turned the doorknob, "hmm, locked." She thought, Before knocking on the door a couple times, and waiting barely a moment before she heard the soft sound of feet running down the stairs to the door. Suddenly Kira's little face peeked around the curtain to check was at her door, and then the door swings open. "Hey Kira! Where's your mom at?" Cosima asks, stepping in the door. "Um, I think she's taking a shower, but I'm scared because she's been in there for a pretty long time and I heard her crying, and then she wouldn't answer when I knocked on the door for her. Something feels wrong, Auntie Cosima." Kira pleads. Cosima stared wide eyed at her young niece for just a beat. "DELPHINE!" Cosima shrieked before barreling up the stairs to the door of the bathroom. Cosima could hear the shower right away "Sarah! Sarah? Open the door, Sarah!" she begged, pounding on the door. Delphine quickly joined Cosima at the top of the stairs. She hastily crouched down in front of Kira, who was quickly forgotten by Cosima, who was understandably overcome with anxiety regarding her sister. Kira was now looking very afraid and helpless, she had tears rolling down her cheeks and her chest rose and fell hastily. The tall french woman placed her hands on the little girl's shoulders. "Hey, hey. Kira look at me, it's okay. Shhh." Delphine comforted.

Righting herself, Delphine turns to Cosima, who is now pushing on the door frantically with all her might. "Cosima, move." Delphine pushed. Cosima paces over to Kira, wrapping her arms around her young niece. Delphine is ramming her shoulder into the door over and over again, harder each time. On the fifth surge of power the wooden door cracks away from the hinges. Delphine quickly places the door against the wall and turns to Sarah.

The first thing she noticed is all the blood. At first it's hard to tell where it is all coming from. Quickly, it became apparent that it is all spewing from the woman's wrists. "Cosima! Call an ambulance!" Delphine demanded. She hears her girlfriend let out a sob. Sarah sat propped against the wall on the cold tile of her bathroom floor, next to the empty, running, steaming shower. She was unconscious, but breathing. She wore her signature black, ripped skinny jeans and nothing but a black bra covering her upper half. Sarah's wavy dark hair is hanging long over her shoulders, frizzing and curling profusely due to the hot steam of the bathroom. Her dark hair hung like a curtain, partially obscured her face because of the way she sat slouched over to the side. Delphine's medical training quickly jumped to action. Glancing around the room, she found exactly what she feared quite fast. A steel razor blade, and an empty pill bottle. Flinging open the medicine cabinet above the steamed up mirror, she found a first aid kit. Luckily, it does contain gauze. Delphine quickly raised up Sarah dead weight arm and began wrapping it thoroughly in gauze. Sarah had cut long and vertical slits up both of her wrists. The blonde woman taped off her wrapping job and moved on to the other arm, repeating the process quickly.

Cosima released her crying niece and stepped toward the bathroom. "Don't look Kira, Don't look, it'll be okay, I promise." Cosima says before turning away from the little girl and looking in on her identical sister, who sat unconscious in a pool of her own dark blood. Cosima covered her mouth with her shaking hand as she is racked with another sob. The clone observed that her girlfriend has already wrapped one arm and is now working on the other. "Um, uh," Cosima stutters. "Delphine the ambulance is on the way. What can I do?" Cosima said, dully. The young woman was clearly in shock. "Stay with Kira." Delphine says, not even pausing what she is doing or taking her eyes off the task. Cosima abides and joined Kira again in the hallway.

Delphine finished Sarah's wrists and leaned over to pick up the pill bottle. Synthroid. Prescribed to Siobhan Sadler. Delphine acting fast, tilts Sarah forward and allows the smaller woman to lean on her. Delphine reaches around to Sarah's mouth and presses her finger to the back of the girl's throat, attempting to trigger her gag reflex. Sarah gagged twice against her will, before spilling the contents of her stomach onto the floor. Delphine pushed her fingers down Sarah's throat again, having to wiggle them around a bit more this time again, but once again inducing vomiting. When Delphine propped her back against the wall as she was, she noticed that Sarah's eyelids were beginning to flutter. She's waking up. "Hey Sarah, it's okay Sarah, you're going to be okay, I've got you." Delphine assures her before seeing a few tears gather in the pale woman's eyes, and then trickle down Sarah's clammy cheeks. Sarah only moaned in response. Sarah's sad eyes open and meet Delphine's stressed gaze. Sarah's eyes fluttered shut again. "Hey! No, Sarah. You have to stay awake, okay? You have to stay awake for Kira, and for you sisters! You don't get to give up. Not yet, understand?" Delphine chokeed, patting the brunette's cheek forcefully.

"Delphine! The medics are here!" Cosima shouts, running down the stairs to open the door. Three medics were out at the curb, two male, one female, pulling a stretcher out of the back on the ambulance.

Carrying the stretcher on their shoulders, they speed into the house. "She's upstairs." Cosima said shakily. "Okay. Who are you?" The tall, dark skinned, male medic in front of the other asks. "Her sister." Cosima says quickly. The medics gave her a nod and hustled up the stairs. Cosima followed them up. Kira still stood at the top of the stairs, but at the sight of the paramedic's she backed away to allow them into the narrow hallway. "In here!" Cosima heard Delphine call outl. Cosima again joined Kira at the far end of the hallway.

After barely a minute, the medics, carrying Sarah on a stretcher, emerge from the bathroom, Delphine following behind them, covered in Sarah's blood They hurried down the stairs and Cosima, Delphine and Kira follow. "I'm going with her. Delphine, drive over with Kira. Call felix." Cosima says as she rushed out the front door with her sister.


	3. Chapter 3: To End up Just Where I Began

Sarah's POV

I feel cold and exposed. My head is aching so badly, I only wish I could scream. So many people are talking and I'm desperately trying to hear what they're saying. I'm scared. I try to open my eyes, but it feels like there are weights on them, holding them closed. I can feel something being laid over my cold, bare chest and stomach. I am thankful for this. I feel a sharp pinch on the inside of my elbow, and slowly the ache in my head fades a little bit and the weights on my eyes feel lighter. I finally manage to open my eyes, just a little. I can see my own face. No, not mine. Cosima's. I see Cosima's face. She looks more like me than usual, she's not wearing makeup. That must be why. No, she cried off her makeup. Guilt is pulsing in my chest. I know she is talking to me, but I can't tell what she's saying. I squeeze my eyes shut. Guilt. I'm sorry.

I must have fallen asleep again, because the next time I manage to open my eyes, it isn't a face identical to mine that I see, but the face of a woman I don't know. She's holding my hand, focused on my arm. She's stitching the cut, I realize. I moan in pain. Ouch. The woman stitching my wrists pauses and looks me in the eye. "Hi, Sarah. You'll be okay, just breathe." She says to me. I breath. She continues her work on my arm. Turning my head to the other side, I notice that that one is already stitched. The room is full of people, and I'm the center of attention.

I feel someone open my mouth and then something tickles my throat, and then it's not a tickle anymore. 'Wait! Stop!' I scream in my head. I start to retch and gag and try to grab at the hands that are doing this to me. "Shh Sarah, stay calm. They're inserting a tube in your throat to your stomach, don't fight it. Breath deep through your nose." The woman from before says to me. She grabs my hand and I grip it back and close my eyes. I hear someone say "Okay, tubes in. We can start pumping." Shite. They're pumping my stomach, I realize. I had this done when I was 20 after I drank myself silly. It was no walk in the park, I felt like shit for days afterward. The woman, who has now finished my stitches turns my face towards her. "Just look at me, it'll be okay." she says. I'm crying now, the lip tremble and everything, I can't help it. I want my mum. Then I'm crying harder because I remember that she is gone. Make it stop. Make it stop. A few people, including the woman who did my stitches, roll my body on it's side. I feel a disgusting, unnatural feeling, deep in my gut. They're pumping. My eyes are watering and I'm still doing everything possible not to gag. What feel like hours, but I'm smart enough to know was only minutes, later, the woman says to me "Okay it's all done." After the doctor removes the tube, the woman by my side lifts my head a little and puts something in my mouth, pouring in water afterward and tells me to swallow, so I do. She turns my head to the side and holds a plastic container under my mouth, so I know what is coming before it hits me. I begin retching into the container, barely anything is coming up, but my body is still trying. When I can finally stop, I relax my head onto the table and close my eyes.

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Cosima emerged from the double doors that lead to the room where Sarah resided. Felix and Delphine are both at her side the very moment they see her. She's looking down and sipping at a small carton of orange juice through a straw. A doctor emerges from behind her at that moment. "Hello, I'm Doctor Haas. Sarah is going to be okay, thanks to the fast thinking of whoever found her, and also to Cosima here. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a twin at hand when they need blood. They're prepping her to have her stomach pumped now, because of the pills she swallowed." Doctor Hass assures. The group collectively sigh in relief. Kira walked over now, and cowered into her uncle, Felix held her tightly. "Hear that, monkey? She's going to be okay." Felix said to the sad and scared little girl. She nodded. "Now we need to talk about the next steps here. I assume you are Felix?" The Doctor gestures to Felix. "Yeah" Felix responds. "Okay, you're listed as her emergency contact as well as her Next of Kin. We will get her a psychiatrist of course, but I have to mention, this Hospital has got an excellent mental health inpatient program. I fully recommend it, it's amazingly successful for most of the patients who come through." Doctor Haas informed. "Okay, um, thanks, we'll talk about it." Felix says sadly. "I also recommend you all go home and get some sleep. It's been a stressful night. Sarah is in very good hands." and with that, Doctor Haas retreated back into the emergency room.

"You all should go home. I'm going to stay here, in case there's more news." said Felix, sitting back down in the seating area. Kira followed him. "Hey monkey, why don't you go spend the night with auntie Cosima and auntie Delphine. You can come back tomorrow and see your mum then, okay?" Felix suggests. Kira nods, yawning. Cosima steps over to Felix, he stood up and they embrace for a few moments. "I'll be back tomorrow. Call me if you need anything or if anything changes." Cosima says. Kira takes Cosima's hand and the two women and little girl leave.

Every time somebody walked through the waiting room Felix hoped that they are going to take him to his sister, but each time they pass him by. It's almost 1 AM. It couldn't possibly take much longer. Eventually, a nurse walked into the waiting room, where felix sat, running his hand through his hair with stress. "I can take you to Sarah now." she simply says. Felix hopped up immediately and followed her through various hallways until they reached the room. The nurse opened the door and lead Felix into his sister's room. Sarah lied, tucked in a hospital bed in the middle of the small room. "She's sedated right now. She will sleep through the night and probably most of the morning. Are you staying the night?" the nurse asked. "Yeah." Felix simply replied, not taking his eyes off Sarah. She looked so vulnerable. And so small in that johnny shirt they had her wearing. She had an IV in her hand, her hair is tangled, and her pale skin is even more pale than usual. Where she normally would have smudged black makeup surrounding her eyes, there is none. Just her natural dark circles from built up exhaustion. The next thing Felix notices is the white bandages covering her stitches, taking up about 6 inches of her forearms. "I'll get you a cot." The nurse says before turning around and walking out the door. Felix sat down on the edge of Sarah's bed, reaching up and holding her limp hand. "Sarah, what did you do?" Felix questioned, not expecting an answer.


	4. Chapter 4: It's Just a Spark

_Sarah's POV_

 _Diary Entry #2_

 _Tonights dream was different than any of the other recent dreams. Kira and I were at Niagara Falls. Kira was older, maybe 12 or 13. It was just the two of us at first, we laughed together and walked together until we met up with the rest of our family. Before I could see the rest, I was waking up. It was just a spark, but I think it's enough to keep me going._

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Felix woke up in Sarah's hospital bed next to her. The previous night all came flooding back. Delphine's call. The feeling of panic as he dismissed the client in his bed and quickly dressed himself before rushing out the door and to the hospital. He arrived just as the medics were rolling her into the building. He caught just a glimpse of her before she disappeared into the hands of doctors. Felix really thought that he wouldn't have to fear for his sister's, any of his sisters, lives. Apparently he was wrong. Felix sat up and took in the room. There was a cot set up next to Sarah's bed. The nurse must have brought it in after he had fallen asleep last night. Sarah hadn't moved at all since he had first seen her in this bed. Deciding that she was still sound asleep, Felix pulled his phone out of his pocket. 10 AM already. There was also a text from Cosima. It read "Alison knows, I told her you'd call her when you got the chance." Felix sighed. Sarah began to stir and Felix took her hand in his. "Hey, Sarah." he said, with tears springing to his eyes once again. To that, her eyes fluttered opened and she cracked a small smile. "You alright, fee?" Sarah asked, her voice rough. He nodded. "I am now, yeah. You scared us Sarah." said Felix, seriously. Sarah looked down. "I know. I'm sorry." She mumbled. "I'm sorry too, I knew you weren't okay and I didn't even do night months and months ago when you almost tried to off yourself, I should've done something then. And now last night, we almost lost you, and I-I feel responsible!" Felix cried. "Hey, no. You're not responsible, you had no reason to think that this were any more than my usual Sarah shite storm, k?" assured Sarah. Felix nodded. The pair stayed silent for a few moments until Sarah broke the silence by changing the subject. "Where's Kira?" Sarah asks. "She stayed with Cosima last night." Felix says.

Just then, the door creaked opened and a nurse walked in. "Oh, you're awake. Good morning." The woman smiled. Neither Sarah nor Felix recognized this nurse from the previous night but she seemed to be very peppy. "Yeah." said Sarah. The nurse smiled and turned her attention to Felix. "Somebody is here to speak to you." she said. Felix furrowed his brow for a moment and then swung his legs over the edge of the bed, stretching as he stood up. "I'll be right back, darling." Felix bid to Sarah. He paused at the small mirror on the wall, fixing his shiny black hair before following the nurse from the room.

In the hallway, stood a very professional looking woman. She wore a fitted grey skirt and blazer, coupled with a dark purple blouse. Her wiry black hair pulled tightly into a low puff. As Felix approached her, she extended her hand. "Hi there, I'm Doctor Leon, I am a psychiatrist and I was sent down to speak with you about Ms. Manning. You must be Felix." she greeted. Felix shakes her hand. "Yeah, I'm Felix. Hi." he responds. "So we need to talk about your sister's next steps. This hospital's inpatient program is very good, of course the wing in which Sarah would be treated will only take up to 24 patients at a time. The spot is being held for her right now. If Sarah consents, there is a bed there waiting for her, but they'll only wait for confirmation for so long. After a suicide attempt, inpatient programs are the best thing for the family. The program takes about six weeks to complete for most patients. It is definitely something to talk about." She hands him a card. "That has my number on it call me as soon as you decide." Doctor Leon offers Felix a smile and bids him farewell.

Before going back into Sarah's room, Felix takes this opportunity to call Alison, and by extension, Helena. "Felix!" she picks up. "Hi Alison." he says. "What is going on? Is Sarah okay? Cosima told me she was going to be okay but-" Alison rambles, with tears in her voice. Felix cuts her off. "Alison, Sarah is okay. She's awake and talking now. I'm just... " Felix begins to choke up. "I'm just trying to figure out what to do." he finishes. "I'm on my way, Felix. Helena and I. She been in a frenzy since I told her this morning. She refused to eat!" Alison sobs. "No, no. Don't come, not yet. She's not ready for visitors quite yet, love. Tell Helena that she is just fine. I will let you know the moment she's ready. " said Felix. "Okay. Tell Sarah we love her." Alison says reluctantly, now fully crying. "I will darling, I will."

Felix shoves his phone back in his pocket and heads back into Sarah's room. Before he can reach the door handle, his phone rings. Delphine. Felix picked up. "Hello?" he says. "Bonjour, Felix. How is Sarah? Is she up yet?" Delphine asked. "Yeah, she's up. Is Kira doing okay?" Felix asked. Delphine paused. "She didn't sleep much, neither did Cosima or I. But that's not why I called. I know a psychiatrist who can help Sarah." the french woman says quickly. "Delphine, I-" Felix begins, but is quickly cut off. "No, listen. She worked at DYAD for a long time, certain scientists began including her in project Leda. Of course, she didn't know what she was working on. Eventually she started digging and found out. She left DYAD and started working behind the scenes for me. She is a qualified psychiatrist, and aware of Leda. Sarah can open up to somebody unbiased about everything she's been through." Delphine explained confidently. "Okay, call her." Felix said, hanging up the phone. Felix rolled his eyes and smirked at Delphine eagerness.

When Felix came back into the room he found Sarah sitting up on the edge of the bed, swinging her bare legs. "What going on?" she questioned. Felix sighed and tilted his head. "If it's about me I want to know." Sarah demanded. "They want you to go in the inpatient program here. They say it's very good, Sarah, and, well… I think you should do it." said Felix. Sarah looked away from him, down at her bandaged arms. She breathed a long sigh "Okay, I… I'll do it. I'll go." Sarah agreed. Initially, Felix is shocked by her cooperation. "Really? That's it? You'll go? No kickin' and screamin'? Nothing? Sarah you must have gotten brain damage!" Felix joked, his eyes wide. Sarah chuckled a little bit. "No, Fee. I really do want to get better. I don't want to die, we've all worked way too hard to keep us alive for me to kill myself, but last night, I felt so hopeless, and dying was my only way out. I still feel hopeless, and I don't know how to be happy, not yet, but there is a spark of something, I can feel it. I have to get better for Kira. I want her to have a better childhood than we did, and for that, she can't lose her mum. So before I change my mind, sign me up for whatever the hell it is you want me to do." Sarah said quickly, with a few tears running down her cheeks. Felix reached down and wiped her tears away, before wrapping his arms around her. Felix held her there for a few moments while they cried into one another's shoulders, just as they did when they were little kids, on their own. "Thank you." Felix mumbled.


	5. Chapter 5: I Will Stumble and Fall

Sarah and Felix waited at the large, metal, double doors anxiously, while the nurse in front of them fiddled with her key card to open them. Once Sarah passed through those doors, she knew she wouldn't be coming back out for a while, and that scared her.

Sarah didn't know what was scarier, that, or the fact Alison and Helena packed her bag for her. She had yet to check what they packed. Sarah had gotten to see them when they brought her the bag yesterday, she had also gotten to see Kira and Cosima. "You're leaving again, aren't you?" Kira had asked. This made Sarah's hands and lower lip tremble. At that moment she desperately regretted agreeing to this program. Kira needed her. Sarah couldn't speak to answer her nearly 9 year old daughter, so Felix jumped in and tried his best to explain to Kira why her mom would have to be away for a awhile. That was also when it struck her that she'd be missing Kira's birthday. Another one.

Sarah dropped to the ground, her head to her knees. Sarah grasped one hand with the other and dug at her nails until she saw blood. Cosima plopped down next to her. Wordlessly, she stole Sarah's left hand from her painful coping mechanism and grasped it tightly in her own hand. Cosima took audible, slow deep breaths, until Sarah caught on and paced her breath with Cosima's. A few moments later, Sarah looked up. Felix and Kira had left the room. Sarah looked at her sister, who was still gripping her hand. Cosima gave her a small smile. "Better now?" She asked quietly. Sarah nodded and took her hand back, running it through her hair. "Cool." Said Cosima.

"Sarah?" Asked Felix, snapping her out of her recent memory. "You alright? You looked a little dazed for a second there." Said Felix, concerned. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Just thinking." Sarah answered. Just then the nurse finally managed to make her key card work. The blonde woman chuckled. "These things are tricky!" She said, opening the door wide. Felix stepped through the threshold, and gestured for Sarah to follow. She hesitated, and then followed the nurse and her brother through the door. Right away, the place looked more like some kind of hotel than a hospital. They walked to the desk a few feet away. "Checking in Sarah Manning." Said the nurse. The receptionist at the desk quickly typed something on her computer and turned to Sarah. "Sign here, please." the woman behind the desk requested of Sarah. Sarah obliged. "Okay, you're all set. I'm going to page Joy to show you where to go. She is one of our nurses here, you'll like her, everyone does." The receptionist smiled.

The nurse who lead the way now passed back through the doors and disappeared into the twisting hallways of the hospital. " _I'm somebody else's problem now"_ Sarah thought, somewhat bitterly. A nurse, Sarah assumed this was Joy, came bouncing down the short hallway, she was a visually confident, large dark skinned woman, with friendly, happy eyes. She must have been at least in her mid fifties. She certainly lived up to her name. "Welcome to the nuthouse!" she greeted with a laugh. Sarah nervously laughed. "Don't worry sweetheart, the only nut here is me! I'm Joy." Joy joked. Felix and Sarah exchanged glances, Felix smiling widely, Sarah smiling nervously. "You must be Sarah." Joy gestured to Sarah. "And you are?" Joy asked Felix. "Oh, I'm her brother, Felix. I just want to make sure she gets settled before I leave." Felix said, defending his presence. "No problem sweetheart! I'll let you know when you've worn out your welcome. So you're Brits!" exclaimed Joy. Felix and Sarah both nodded a little. "Alright kids, right this way." Joy said leading them down the hallway.

Joy lead them around the corner into a hallway of door. Sarah assumed this was where everyone lived. Joy stopped at the third door on the right and swung the door open before leading them inside. The first thing Sarah noticed was that there was two beds, not one. The bed and surrounding area nearest to the window was completely bare and untouched, whereas the other bed and surrounding, closer to the door, was personalized with a comfy red quilt and a few photos on the walls. "You'll have a roommate. Her name is Chrissy, she just left for a weekend home." Joy explained. "A weekend home?" Sarah repeated. "Yup! Chrissy will be starting her fifth week here on Monday, so around this time the Doctor's and nurses will start evaluating whether or not you're ready to go home. Weekends home are a good way to test it out." Joy explained. Sarah nodded. "Okay Sarah, that bed there is yours." Joy pointed to the one close to the window. The window looked out into the parking lot, it was really big, and had a seat built under it along with white curtain on either side. Sarah brought her bag over and dropped it on her bed. Felix sat on the bed and bounced a couple time. "Not bad, not bad." He said, testing the bed's comfort. Joy smiled. "I'll be right back. I'm going to go print off your schedule." Joy said before turning on her heel and bouncing off down the hall. Once joy left the room, Sarah looked at Felix. "Schedule?" She questioned. Felix shrugged. "Maybe it'll be like the high school experience you never had. Oh, and watch your meds around that lady, nobody is _that_ happy." Felix joked. Joy bounced back in after a few moments, holding a piece of paper. "Here's your schedule." She said handing it to Sarah.

The schedule broke down everyday of the week. She'd have group therapy twice everyday, and a private sessions with her psychiatrist, hand selected by Delphine, three times a week. Along with a fine arts classes, which would rotate between visual arts, drama and music. As well as recreational therapy, health, self care, and skill building classes.. " _Heaven knows what that could mean."_ thought Sarah. Three meals a day, and a few hours of free time. Sunday's are visitor's day, when you can take your family around the ward if you wish.

"Okay, Felix is going to take your cell phone home for you, yes?" Said Joy. Sarah reluctantly pulled her phone from her pocket and handed it to Felix. "Don't worry, love. I'll keep all your snapchat streaks alive for you." Felix smiled. Sarah laughed. "Do you have any sharp objects like scissors, or razors? Also any heat hair styling tools?" Joy asked. "I don't know, I didn't pack my own bag. God knows what my sisters packed for me." Sarah said to Joy. Felix raised his eyebrows "Yes, knowing Helena, that bag could be filled with kitchen knives." Felix said. Joy looked taken aback. "He's jokin'." Sarah assured her. Joy chuckled. "Well, alright then. I'll have one of us nurse's help you unpack then." Joy said. "About time for you to head out, Felix. You can come on Sunday from 10:00 until 2:00 if you want, and Sarah can call you during her free time any day. Say goodbye." She smiled and left them to say goodbye.

"You're alright?" Felix asked. "Yeah. I'm okay." Sarah said, nodding. "Are you telling the truth?" Felix questioned. Sarah shrugged. Felix wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Work on this, okay? Do it for yourself, not just Kira or me, or your sisters. Do it for yourself. You deserve to be happy." Felix said, tearing up again. Sarah was too. "I'm gonna try." Sarah said. "Okay. I'll see you on Sunday. Call me tomorrow and tell me who I can bring." Felix said. "Love you, darling." he said, slowly back towards the door. "Love you too." Sarah said. And then he was gone. And she was alone.


	6. Chapter 6: Starting From Zero

Tonight Sarah's nightmare was another excerpt from her childhood. One of the times a foster family threw her away as if she was nothing more than a worthless scrap of paper. Recycled through the system. She dreamt of the worst time. She had begun to feel comfortable and happy and then she was ripped way from that stability and forced to start all over, she was so little and so confused, so scared. She remembered feeling helpless and instantly forgetting what it felt like to be loved. Sarah woke up, glistening with sweat, her face stained and raw from tears. Sarah sighed, remembering where she was, and looked at the alarm clock on her dresser. 6:00. Wake up wasn't until 7:30, she remembered from her schedule. After a few feeble attempts to go back to sleep, Sarah gave in and went to the shower.

Sarah picked out a pair of black jeans and an oversized green knit sweater. " _Alison and Helena didn't do a terrible job packing."_ Sarah admitted. Last night Sarah had met two out of the five nurses in the ward. She met Joy, of course. Then later, Emma had come to help Sarah unpack. Sarah knew that Emma was only there to watch and make sure Sarah didn't have anything dangerous with her, but the help was appreciated regardless. Emma was a teeny tiny little woman, probably the same age as Sarah. She had short red hair and pale skin littered in freckles. Emma told Sarah about the other nurses. There was another woman named Sherry, she was very old, probably retiring within the next year, then there were two men, Robert, who was apparently a bearded, 6'5, gentle giant in his late forties, of course Emma didn't mention it but she figured they kept him around for when a patient needed to be lastly, Jamison, who was a regular sized man who wore glasses and hates giving people needles when he has too.

First days were all too familiar for Sarah. She had never been still. As a kid she'd start at new schools at least once a year, and she'd have a new foster family every few months. First days never changed. They were always scary because you never knew what to expect. Sarah's alarm clock went off long ago. She sat at the foot of her bed, waiting for it to turn to 8:00. That was when she'd get up and force herself to go to breakfast.

The nurse, joy, had shown Sarah around last night. There wasn't a lot of places she could get lost, so finding the dining hall would hopefully be easy. Just then, 8:00 appeared on her clock. Sarah sluggishly rose up and made her way to the door. Sarah pulled her sleeves down over her hands, to cover the bandages on her wrists and to conceal her shaking hands. Sarah cupped her hands together inside the sleeves and began to dig behind her nails. The ache it left was enough to distract her from herself. Sarah stepped out her door and glanced around. She saw a few people leaving their rooms, and some wandering the hallways. Sarah took a breath and joined the other patients.

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Sarah followed the group of patients into the common room for her first group therapy session. Sarah immediately recognized Doctor Leon, who had spoken to her yesterday afternoon, a while before she had come to this ward. One of the male nurses also sat with her. Doctor Leon smiled at her. Sarah offered her a nod and sat down on the far end of one of the couches. After a few minutes all of the 24 patients had wandered in and found either a spot on a couch, or a fold out chair. "Good morning everyone!" Doctor Leon greeted. In return people mumbled "Good morning" back to her. "So we have one new face this morning," Sarah's eyes widened. " _Please don't"_ Sarah begged to herself. "This is Sarah." Doctor Leon announced. Sarah shrunk into herself and cupped her hand together, to dig at her fingernails. Sarah smiled. Finally, Doctor Leon pulled the unwanted attention away from Sarah. "Who wants to start?" she said.

The session started on the opposite side of the room from Sarah and went around in a circle. Each person got a turn to speak about anything on their mind, and then the room was allowed to respond after each person. Sarah, although remaining quiet, was listening intently. " _None of these people seem crazy."_ Sarah thought. " _Not all of them even seem sad. Just regular people. I'd never know something was wrong if I spoke to them of the street. If I conned them."_ Sarah got lost in her train of thought but was quickly snapped back to reality. "Sarah?" Doctor Leon called. "Yeah?" Sarah answered quickly. "It's your turn. Why don't you introduce yourself to everyone? Tell them where you're from!" Doctor Leon suggested. " _Ah, yes, the classic. 'Tell everyone why you sound like you stepped out of the movie "Oliver twist"'_ Sarah thought. "Um, okay." She said. "I'm Sarah. I was a foster kid in England, but when I was 13, I was adopted out of the system as well as my foster brother, and we moved here, to Toronto, when I was 15." Sarah explained, offering more than what she was asked for, so that hopefully she wouldn't be asked for more. She heard a series of "Wow" and "Cool" coming from the group. "That's great Sarah, do you want to say anything else? Maybe why you're here?" Doctor Leon said. Sarah chuckled. " _Is she serious?"_ Sarah thought. "I'm here because I was suicidal." Sarah said, as if it was obvious. "Hmm, Sarah I don't think you completely understand the question. Margaret, why are you here?" Doctor Leon said, directed the question at the woman sitting next to Sarah. "Because I love my husband, and we want to grow old together." Margaret said, easily. Sarah paused. "Well, then I guess I'm here because I deserve to get better, and my family doesn't deserve to lose me." Sarah said. The room nodded along, some people smiled. Margaret touched Sarah's arm, supportively. "Thank you, Sarah, that's great." Doctor Leon said, moving onto the next patient.


	7. Chapter 7: Small Hands in Mine

Sarah's nightmare was interrupted by her alarm clock. She woke instantly, groaned and swung her legs out of bed. Today was Sunday. She had gotten to sleep in this morning, which she really appreciated. Her first day yesterday, although not nearly as bad as she thought, was exhausting. Sarah ended up really enjoying art class, she mostly just doodled but she sat with some other patients around her age, a man and a women. The woman was really quiet but very sweet, her name was Annie, as she had told Sarah. The guy, Kirk, was loud and silly, he drew a lot of attention to himself, and Sarah by extension because he sat next to her, which freaked her out at first but she didn't mind so much after a little while. She hoped they could all sit together again on Monday.

Sarah had her clothes for today laid out last night. The family was all coming to see her today. She wanted to look nice, but also look like herself, so not too nice. And of course she had to ensure that her forearms were completely unexposed. Sarah didn't want anyone's pity.

Sarah decided on a purple tank top with a black and white, unbuttoned flannel over it, paired with regular old black jeans, rolled up to above her ankles, and her black and white converse sneakers. Sarah looked at herself in the mirror and shook her head. 'I look like a teenager' she thought. Sarah often beat herself up over her slow rate in growing up. Sarah combed her hair until all the tangles were gone and then patted it down with some water to bring out the natural waviness. She decided to not put on her signature smudged eyeliner, she'd received enough hints by now that it just made her look tired. Instead she opted for just a thin layer of mascara and nothing else. Sarah looked in the mirror and decided that it would do.

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Half and hour later, after She had eaten breakfast and was ready to head to the entrance to meet up with her visitors. When she got to the door there were several clusters of people talking to their families. Sarah looked around and spotted Cosima and Delphine out the little window on the door. Delphine saw her too and smiled, then gestured to Cosima to look. Sarah smiled and waved. At that moment Felix, Alison, Art, Helena and Kira came up behind Delphine and Cosima, from there they all started towards the door, the receptionist stood by the door with her key card and open it when she spotted them.

Everyone crowded into the hallway, onlookers turned their heads towards Sarah and Cosima, the group except embraced around Sarah. "Why don't we go down to my room?" Sarah suggested once she had greeted everyone.

Once in the privacy of her own space Sarah shakily invited her family to make themselves at home. Kira wordlessly curled on the bed with her head in her mother's lap. Sarah flooded with relief, she had been worried that Kira would still be mad at her. "Guess what mommy." Kira stated. "What is it, monkey?" Sarah prompted. "I slept over with auntie Cosima, auntie Delphine and Charlotte last night!" Kira said, excitedly. "You did? That's great babe." Sarah said, looking questionably towards Felix, who Kira was supposed to be staying with, and Cosima and Delphine. "I had to catch up on some _work._ " Felix said, emphasizing on the word _work._ "I thought you weren't doing that kind of _work_ anymore? I thought we were both changing our ways together, I gave up hustlin'" Sarah said, her temper heating up. "Hustling and what I do are not the same." Felix spat. "You sell your body!" Sarah shouted, raising her arms. Alison hopped up the from chair in the corner, and grabbed Kira's hand. "Why don't we go get something from the vending machine, hm?" Alison asked the girl. Kira frowned and then nodded, before being ushered away by her aunt. Once the door shut behind them, Sarah stood up, and looked up at her younger brother. "I need to know that you're looking after my kid while I'm stuck in this bloody place! You can't just toss her away for a sleepover whenever it's not bloody convenient for you!" Sarah spat her voice going very high at the end of the sentence. Cosima stepped in, "hey, Sarah, we talked about it with Felix. Kira's going to stay with us on Friday and Saturday nights while you get better, seriously it's no problem. Charlotte loves having her over and they keep each other busy." Cosima reasoned. Sarah knew she couldn't argue with Cosima and Delphine. Sarah ran both hands through her hair and sat back on the bed. "Fee, I thought we were gonna get real jobs?" Sarah asked, her anger turning into sadness. "Sarah, I have a real job, I'm an artist, but sometimes I can't rely on that alone. I've been doing this for so long that it doesn't mean anything anymore, it's just a way I make money." Felix assured. "And how does Collin feel about it?" Sarah pestered. "Collin understands that it's just something I do to make money." Felix huffed. "My sex life with my boyfriend is none of your business anyway, Sarah. Can we please stop fightin'? It isn't good for you." Said Felix. Sarah groaned loudly. "Don't start treatin' me like I'm gonna bloody break!" Sarah demanded. "I'm dealing fine." she added. "Sarah, we have enough reason to be concerned. You have to understand that." Art piped in. Sarah's face flushed. She suddenly realized that in her moment of fluster, she had pushed her sleeves up, a habit of hers. Sarah quickly pushed her sleeves back down and turned away from her family, her hands cupping each each other. Her fingernails attacked one another, searching for blood. Sarah's shoulders rose and fell with each short breath. Once again, Cosima carefully approached her sister. "Sarah? It's okay." Cosima whispered. Sarah turned slowly, and her hands fell away from each other, reaching out to Cosima. Cosima accepted her, and allowed Sarah to calm herself in Cosima's embrace. "Sorry…" Sarah whispered into Cosima. "It's okay." Cosima assured. "I'll go find Allison and Kira." Delphine said discreetly before excusing herself. Sarah's wall broke a little bit. Tears were easy to hide, but the sounds deep from her throat were not. "I… I don't know why I'm like this Cos." Sarah whispered. Cosima held her tighter.

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Family day had improved after the little mishaps. Sarah and her family had taken a short tour of the facility, and the family was told some things about Sarah's new daily schedule. When it came time to leave, Kira had cried, and so had Sarah, but the mother and daughter both held themselves together.

That evening after dinner, Sarah had to attend another group session, as she would have to everyday. Doctor Leon welcomed back Chrissy, who had been away for the weekend. Sarah swore in her head, 'Shit. Roommate.' Chrissy hadn't said much more than, yes her weekend was nice. The first thing Sarah noticed about her, was her age. She looked very young, too young to be in a place like this, she could be 18 or 19 maybe. Sarah couldn't help but wonder what put her here. She had brownish- blonde, wavy hair that reached just passed her shoulders, Chrissy was chubby, it was hard to tell her height by the way she slouched and curled up in her chair, very pretty, but hid by pushing her hair in front of her face, and wearing a far too big sweater.

Back in her room, Sarah was sitting on her window sill seat, when Joy the nurse and Chrissy walked in together, Chrissy stepped over to her bed wordlessly and poured the contents of her backpack onto her comforter, while Joy watched. The only things in the bag were a thin sweater, toothbrush, deodorant and hair elastics. Sarah watched from the corner of her eye as Joy scanned through the items with her eyes. "Okay." she said. "Need any help putting these things away, hun?" Joy asked Chrissy. Chrissy shook her head, "No thanks." she whispered. Joy smiled "Okay. Oh! And Chrissy, meet Sarah, she is your new roommate." Sarah jumped at the sound of her name. She turned to face the young woman and the nurse. "Hey, how's it going?" Sarah said. Chrissy smiled a little. "I'm fine, nice to meet you." Chrissy said, avoiding eye contact.

The new roommates had gone to bed not long after meeting one-another, without exchanging barely any words. Sarah didn't feel up to socializing, and obviously Chrissy didn't either. Nighttime was normally quiet in the ward, but it wasn't unknown for disturbances to happen in a place like this, screams were heard some nights, and tonight wouldn't be Sarah's proudest moment.

 **Please leave reviews! Let me know what you like, what you don't like, what you want to see an what you don't, it means the world and really inspires me to work on it! xoxo**


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